Tuesday, October 13, 2015


I walk up the steps at 7:20 and drop my bag in the entry way.

"Any body home?" I call towards the bedroom.

Son #2 answers immediately. "I fed the dogs," he says.

I thank him and walk toward the back bedroom.

He's finding this work stuff pretty grueling and I expect to see the long body stretched across the mattress, where I have found him the last couple of nights but the bed is empty.

"Where's Zay?" I say to his brother.

"I dunno."

My heart jumps up a little. He was supposed to get off work at five.

"Has he been home? Have you seen him?"

"Uh-uh. He's at work."

"But he should be home by now. He got off at five."

"He did?"

"Did he come home at all?"

"I don't think so."

My mind goes to scary places. I picture the green bike upended, wheels spinning, while my son lays bleeding on the pavement. Try to remember the last time I saw him take his pills. Wonder if he has been fired and doesn't want to come home. Wonder if he has gone to the corner liquor store and is downing cheap beer in some gutter.

"I'm going to the store," I say to Son #2. "I'm going to check and see if he is still there. Text me if he comes home."

Just as I head out the door I hear the bike wheels and see the fluorescent orange vest.

I want to sit down on the sidewalk and cry.

"Where were you?" I ask.

"At work," he says. "Don't you remember?"

"But you told me you would be off at 5?"

"They changed my hours," He says. "I worked until 7:30."

"Oh, ok."

We are about two months into the mental health issues. I wonder if I will always feel like I did when the boys were very young- constantly on high alert. I wonder if  it will ever get any easier.


Ramona said...

Carol, you had my mother's heart pounding right along with yours in this slice. So glad everything was resolved with those four words. "They changed my hours!"

elsie said...

When the boys take charge of their life and choose wisely in their decisions, it will get easier. Hopefully they are learning from past mistakes and see how much brighter their future could be.
Side note: I met someone who knows you on our cruise in September. Patrice, she was special ed director (I think). Small world, right?

Carol Varsalona said...

Carol, mothers do worry no matter how old their children are. Is it our calling. I am hoping that your life will even out a bit and you can take a breath to breathe a sigh of relief.

Nanc said...

I know that it will get better for Zay. As most of us know, 'work', makes us feel good when nothing else can. I think that is one of the reasons it has been so difficult with my parent situation. At least when I was teaching I could tuck all that stress away for awhile. Please know that I still pray for you and your boys Carol. I haven't been slicing because of all of this with both of my parents. I miss it, I miss you. Hopefully I'll be able to get back to it soon. xo nanc