I am a Christian, strongly committed to my Savior and my faith. I start every day with devotions. I attend a weekly Bible study. I pray. I watch the livestream of services every Sunday morning. But I haven't been to an actual church in over two years.
I think this phenomena started many years ago, when I adopted my boys.
I had gone to the same church since I moved to Denver in 1981. I liked the church a lot. I was a Sunday School teacher, a youth group leader, and a deacon. But my boys were African American. And 99% of the people at my church were Anglo. I wanted my boys to see people who looked like them at church. And so I changed churches.
Our new church was much more diverse. The pastor is African American. An amazing man of God. A brilliant biblical scholar and teacher. I took my boys, but they never loved it. They didn't want to participate in Sunday School or choir or youth group. I dragged them to church until they were about fifteen, then I finally gave up on making them go.
I kept going to that same church, It's a big church, with lots of different opportunities to participate, but I never really found my niche either. When my mom got sick, seven years ago, I would go to the 8:00 service, then dash off to spend the day with my mom. And then came COVID. And everyone was going to church online. I "attended" the online service faithfully every week.
The church reopened live services about a year ago, I think, but I'm still watching online. I'm not sure why. It doesn't have anything to do with COVID. I'm not afraid of going. Every week I tell myself I will go to the in person the next week. But I don't go. I'm not sure why.
But I haven't been in a church building in more than two years....
2 comments:
Your post brought up some "wonders" for me. I wondered if you feel a certain kind of guilt because you don't attend in-person? I also wondered if maybe you were just stating the facts, or if there was some deep spiritual awakening you were looking for? I am a closet Christian. I hate the word and I am appalled and saddened by most religious people who label themselves Christians and then judge and gossip and cutdown the people in the world around them. But none of that is my point. I know that attending church was encouraged by Paul because we need to be around other like minded people and build our faith and encourage each other, but if you attend your weekly bible study, maybe you get your fellowship there. The early churches were smaller, probably more the size of a bible study group. Smaller gatherings allow for more intimacy, so maybe that covers the need for fellowship? I just wonder.
Oh, I longed to go back to church. It was the thing I missed the most during lockdown. But like you pointed out, you have your bible study and daily devotions. Somehow, I think you'll return sometime soon.
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