SLICE #7- FEELING LIKE A TOTAL FAILURE

I'm feeling like a total failure tonight.

I should not be a teacher.

I do not know what I'm doing.

It all has to do with tests.

Our kids have to take a test about a month before our state's blessed event.

It's supposed to be a predictor of what students will do on the state test.

My students took it yesterday.

And they did horribly.

Really badly.

One of my students read the Life of Pi earlier this year.

He wasn't proficient.

Another one of my students reads three books a week.

She wasn't proficient.

Nor was my Harry Potter lover.

Or three of the five kids who get pulled out for GT every week.

And now I'm wondering what I'm doing wrong.

I believe in Reading and Writing Workshop.

I believe kids should have time and choice and rich conversations.

And yet I really don't know what to do with the information I got today.

And I'm feeling like a total failure.

And more than a little panicky about next month.

SLICE #6- Happy Birthday

Today is my birthday.
And I have to admit,
I have not been all that excited about it.
It's a big one.
A really big one.
Six decades.
I'm feeling really old.
And more than a little bit un-special.

But it was a nice day.
Both of my sisters and my brother-in-law texted me this morning.
As did a couple of friends.
My mom sent an absolutely beautiful bouquet of flowers.

And my work family celebrated big time.
Somehow, despite staggered lunches,
and the ongoing craziness of life in schools
they all managed to gather in the library
to surprise me at lunch time
We had yummy lemon cake
And they just generally made me feel
all around special

At the end of the day
all seventy of our sixth graders
and the best ever sixth grade team
crowded into my classroom
to sing happy birthday
and give me a group card
they had made
and I felt really loved

even though i had to stay until after seven
for the principal selection committee
it was a really lovely day

that said, it would have been a little bit lovelier
if either of my two sons
had even bothered to wish me
happy birthday

SLICE #5- WHAT AM I MISSING?

E's been coming for tutoring for about a week.

Ever since his mother discovered he had an F in my class. Mostly because he likes to sit in the back of the class and draw when everyone else is writing.

I've actually been tutoring another little guy for about a month. So now there are two of them. We work on literacy, mostly writing, usually for 30-45 minutes. Then J's mom comes to get him. E usually stays. And stays. And stays. Often his mom doesn't come for another hour.

Truthfully, I don't mind. I'm usually there anyway, and he's really easy to have around. Mostly he just draws. Sometimes he looks at You Tube videos. Tonight he decided he would do some math homework on a website our kids sometimes use.

He hadn't been working long before he asked if I knew how to do math.

"Sometimes," I said. "What are you trying to do?"

He turned his computer so I could see the screen. He was dividing fractions. Something I actually do remember how to do. I grabbed a piece of scratch paper and sat down next to him. Talked my way through a few problems as he watched. Handed the scratch paper to him. Coached him through a few more problems.

And then he was ready to work on his own.

He called me back one more time. He thought was doing the problems right, but the computer program kept saying he was wrong. It turned out that he actually was doing the math right, but was using the lowercase l instead of a slash to write fractions, so the computer was counting them wrong. A minor adjustment and he was on his way again.

He worked for a solid hour.

And as E worked, I thought about how quickly he had moved toward independence. And how different he is, and how much less successful, in writing. And I wondered how I might make writing more like math. I already provide mentor texts. I write in front of, and next to the kids every day. I give lots of feedback. I give lots and lots of feedback. I try hard to be really clear and explicit. I celebrate successes pretty much every day.

And yet, I'm not feeling like I am being that successful with kids like E. It feels like there is something I am missing.

And I am wondering what that might be...

SLICE #4- At the Other End of the Spectrum

At one end of the spectrum is sweet L. 

Reading, reading, reading. 

Growing her mind

and her heart

and her world

a little bigger

with every page she turns.

She is so easy to teach.

She is so easy to love.

And at the other end of the spectrum is A.

He does not like to read.

Not sports novels.

Not graphic novels.

Not Kwame Alexander.

Or Jason Reynolds.

Or the “I Funny” series

Or Origami Yoda

Or Dogman.

Or March.

And not fantasy.

Definitely not fantasy.

None of those.

Every day

he careens into class

touches base with his buddies

flirts with a girl or two

and then does

a whole lot of nothing

for the next 45 minutes.

I cajole,

confer,

call home,

and get nowhere.

And every night

I lay awake wondering,

“How do I reach this kid?

“What matters most to his heart?”

SLICE #3

She is one of the quiet ones.

Comes in and gets busy.

Completes assignments.

Responds to my comments on her writing.

Earned an A for the last trimester.

And yet, she is so so quiet.

L never volunteers in class.

Hates to be called on.

Doesn't participate in after school clubs or play any sports.

Doesn't offer information about herself or her family.

I know she lives with her mom and two high-school aged brothers. When I look her up in our school database, I learn that she is cousins with another girl in the class, but the two never acknowledge each other during class, and I wouldn't have guessed that they were related.

I work hard to connect with her.

My school has a policy that teachers greet students at the door (which I would probably do anyway), and I say hello to her, by name, every day. I make a point of letting her know that I notice when she is absent. Recently, her desk has been close to where I stand when I present my mini-lessons, and I am forever putting things down on her desk. I joke with her about having to share her space. She smiles and says, "It's ok, Miss."

And yet she is so, so quiet.

Two weeks ago, on Valentine's Day, I brought note cards and asked my sixth graders to write a note of appreciation to someone that mattered to them. Kids wrote to teachers, to family members, and to friends. I was surprised when L wrote to me.

Dear Dr. Wilcox,
Thank you for all that you do for us. 
Thank you for the books that you recommend to me. 
They have become some of my favorites this year. 
Sincerely, 
L. 

I wrote her a note back the next day. She seemed surprised.

L has read a lot this year. She goes through about a book a week. Most recently, she's been on a historical fiction kick. She read STOLEN GIRL by Marcia Forchuk Skrypuch and then devoured A NIGHT DIVIDED in about three days. I watched her finish that book on Friday, sneaking the last few pages underneath her desk as I did my mini-lesson on writing a conclusion for literary analysis (we are three weeks from our state test).

After school, I catch her as we are walking out of our awards assembly. I acknowledge how quickly she finished A NIGHT DIVIDED and ask if she has something to read for the three-day weekend. She hesitates and says, "Yes," but then recants.

"I don't have anything," she says.

"We have to take care of that. Do you have five minutes?" She says that she does and we head for the library. I am thinking she might like THE WAR THAT CHANGED MY LIFE, but that one is not on the shelves right now. I pull COUNTDOWN by Deborah Wiles.

"Take a look at this one," I say. L thumbs through it and decides that she will try it.

"Will one be enough?"

She hesitates.

"You want two?" I say. "It's a three-day weekend. Take two, just to be sure you have enough."

We choose another and she heads out books in hand.

L is becoming a reader.

Opening up whole new worlds and possibilities for herself.

And yet there are 65 more of them.

And I wonder how many of them have become readers this year.

SLICE #2

Today was one of those "do not pass go, do not collect $200" kind of days.

My plan was go to Weight Watchers at 6:30. After that, I planned to pick up bagels, then head to school, where I was hosting a meeting of the Colorado Children's Book Award Committee. I was thinking I would have about 90 minutes to read sixth grade essays, or clean my desk, or make plans for next week.

And I was especially proud of myself because en route to Weight Watchers, it occurred to me that I would be passing right by a bagel shop. I would save myself 20 minutes, if I got the bagels first, then went to Weight Watchers, then went to school. So that's what I did.

When I got to school, though, everything kind of went to h*** in a hand basket. First, there was the problem with the alarm system. My school works, I think, like a lot of other ones. We use an access card to get into the building, but then, if it's a weekend, you have to turn off the alarm. I've done it hundreds of times, and it's not a big deal. But today the alarm didn't have the familiar "ARMED" message. Instead it had a weird error code. Which meant that I had to call the district security department. And the guy had to walk me through a process to reset the system. Which took about twenty minutes.

And then I went into the library, where we were going to hold the meeting. And someone had evidently had a meeting yesterday, and had left a huge mess. Which took another half hour to clean up.

And then we counted votes. Which usually takes about four hours, but took almost six today.

And then I went to turn on the alarm system. And the weird code from the morning came back on. And I had to call security again. And that took another fifteen minutes.

And then I went to the grocery store, because we are supposed to get eight inches of snow tonight. And the high tomorrow is supposed to be 15. I thought I should get some groceries, just in case. Almost on cue, as I left school, it began to snow. Hard.

While I was at the store, my phone rang. It was the chair of the book committee. All day, we had been using my computer, because it was the only one that was set up to print at my school. Somehow, at the end of the day, she had accidentally put my computer into her bag. She was 45 minutes away, with my computer, which I needed, so I could read the seventy essays that were submitted online yesterday. 

And so, I got back in the car, and drove halfway across town to meet her and get my computer.

And then drove 30 minutes back in a blizzard.

Definitely a "do not pass go, do not collect $200" kind of day.

SLICE #1

Friday night.
The end of a long week.
Bible study on Monday night.
Spanish class on Tuesday.
Parent/teacher conferences until 8:30 on Wednesday.
A district class until 7:00 on Thursday.

Typically, by this time on Friday nights, I'm falling asleep on the couch.
But not tonight.

Tonight it's March 1st, and I'm slicing.

I've sliced every March since 2011.

2011 was a long time ago. In 2011, both of my sons were still living at home. I was the administrative assistant (kind of like an assistant principal) at a small school just a few minutes away from my house. I was juggling work and my boys' never-ending football, basketball, and track schedules. We had two dogs, wild and crazy black lab mixes- Star and Jack, who regularly appeared in my posts because they regularly escaped from the yard and went on wild rampages throughout the neighborhood.

And now it's 2019. I have sliced for nine years. My boys have graduated from high school and been to junior colleges in Arizona and have come back home. One son made me a grandmother. Crazy Jack died. My mom has had brain surgery and moved into a senior living complex. I took her dog, Boo, then Boo died. I taught fourth grade at a school that closed. I have been a literacy coach and a reading interventionist at a dual language school since August 2012. We've have been through three principals and we are currently in the process of hiring a fourth. 

And much of my life is recorded in slices.

Tonight, I went back and read those slices. Laughed. Cried. Remembered.

I was halfway thinking about not slicing. I'm way too busy right now and can't imagine writing for 31 days straight.

But then I read my slices from the past, and I can't imagine not writing. Not capturing those stories

So here we go again…