Maybe I should back up a little. I am a Christian. I've been a Christian for almost 40 years, since I was in high school. Throughout high school and college, and well into my twenties, I did tons of volunteer work for a Christian organization, Young Life. It was super important to me.
When I moved to Denver, in my early twenties, my church was pretty much the base of my spiritual and social life. I was involved in the Singles' group, and in a women's Bible Study, and I taught Sunday School to a group of kids from the time they were two, until they went to middle school. Later, I became a deacon at my church. I did that for a long time, maybe eight years.
My Christianity, was, for many years, a huge, huge, huge part of my life. My relationship with Christ was a huge, huge, huge part of my life.
I don't think that has been as true recently. When I adopted the boys, I changed churches. The church I had attended for many years, was about 98% Anglo. I wanted my boys to see people who looked like them at church, and so I switched churches, to find one that was more diverse for my boys. And I love the new church, but I've really struggled to get connected. First, the church is pretty far away, probably pretty close to half an hour through Denver traffic. Second, I found it hard to work all day, get the boys to all of their stuff, and participate in night activities. I just couldn't make it work. Now that the boys are older, I have found it harder to re-connect.
Besides the boys, I have stuff going on with my family origin. About two years ago, my mom had major brain surgery and moved into a senior citizen's center. For the past two years, then, I've gone to Colorado Springs every Sunday to see her. I leave between 8:30 and 9, and make the 130 mile round trip, getting home around 6 on Sunday night. My church does have a Saturday night service, but somehow, with everything else that's going on, I just don't make it happen. And I guess I could find a Sunday night service, but to be really honest, by the time I've driven to Colorado Springs, and helped my mom with stuff, and lifted her wheelchair in and out of the car five or six times, I 'm super tired.
Mostly, I think it's kind of a crisis of faith. The past couple of years with the boys have been hard and hard and hard. And I have prayed and prayed and prayed. And nothing happens. There's another really hard issue going on with my sisters right now. And I have prayed and prayed and prayed, nothing happens. And then there's another issue that has been hard for a long, long, time, probably more than 30 years. And I have prayed and prayed and prayed, and nothing happens. And I know all of the verses about faith and trust and God's character, and it's still really, really, really hard.
So this year, I didn't know when Easter was, until my mom told me she had made reservations for brunch on March 27th.
And it makes me a little sad.
Because Easter used to be really important to me.
I am Eastern Orthodox and we celebrate Easter on May 1st this year. You can always celebrate it when we do!
ReplyDeleteCrisis of faith is a real thing I didn't expect to happen to me, either. Deaths of 3 parents in a short amount of time, issues with children, and the exhaustion that comes with all of the above - I steered away from my church for quite a long time. But recently, I went back, and I feel better.
ReplyDeleteI hope when the time is right, you will be able to reconnect with your church.
Take care of yourself as you deal with your mom; what a long distance to cover each Sunday. I would venture to say that shows faith of sorts.
I agree with Karen - right now your trips to your mom's and your commitment to being a strong parent are important. You will decide when it's right for you to reconnect.
ReplyDeleteFaith and belief don't require you to be physically in a church every Sunday. Your faith is still strong because you continue to pray for your family, all aspects of it. You will follow the path your heart leads you and I know that God will determine the path. Many are praying for you too. One day we will discover how these prayers are answered.
ReplyDeleteDon't lose that faith, Carol! Keep praying, praying, praying. Don't forget it's all in God's hands and His timing. Connect in the ways that work for you right now. Yes, we know the importance of worshipping together, but God knows. You are not fooling Him! Check out this devotional site: thedayjesusdied.com to get refocused for this week ... focus on Jesus and what He did for us. Our problems seem so small. Praying for you and all your prayers!
ReplyDeleteCarol, my heart aches for you. I've been along for a very small portion of your unanswered prayer journey. And you are often in my prayers as I'm reminded of the difficult journey your life has taken when I read your slices. And then I read the comments from our slicing community and I want to add my voice of encouragement. I'm don't understand, but I cling to the faith that Elsie voiced, "One day we will discover how these prayers are answered."
ReplyDeleteThere are no words of wisdom or comfort for this pain. Just these words to let you know that friends have not abandoned you.
ReplyDeleteWhen we come together, this is my favorite church. Time with you is sacred and real and edifying. I can't be with you in person this Easter but I am with you and holding you close in love and faith...Faith in the unseen and mysterious...and Hope, too....because you have often given me Hope when I felt so abandoned and so alone...and because you deserve to be drenched in Hope, Faith, and Love...Hugs from Sydney, Australia...
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